I’ve been talking about this Clarion Write-A-Thon thing ever since summer of 2011. Over the course of six weeks, I managed to raise a total of $500 for the wonderful folks at Clarion UCSD, which is far more than I had ever dreamed for my first year. Given that I first heard of this challenge about two weeks or so before it began, AND I had to design my own project, AND try to solicit donations (I am, perhaps, the worst self-salesman in the known universe) I’m proud to say I knocked it out of the park.
The goal I set for myself was to complete a potential role-playing video game script, fully edited and ready to be made into a game following the end of Clarion. I made frequent updates via my blog, keeping readers abreast of how the project was going. Throughout the course of those updates, readers may have noticed a significant decline in updates as the process became difficult. They may have noticed me resigning myself to shifts in the deadlines that I had set for myself. I said that I had completed far more than I had expected, but that I’d underestimated my goals for this project. I said I considered it a win.
I still do. But all that just dances around the reality: I didn’t finish what I set out to do. That makes me sad, both for me, and for those who pledged money to support me. I have been loath to admit this for many reasons, but I believe it’s time to be honest, and to let you know what I’m doing to learn from this setback.
1. I grossly underestimated my goals. Having to plot and plan the vast majority of a story that was in its infancy, AND write a first draft, AND then perform the necessary edits, was a fool’s errand. I have heard it said that the first intensive edit of a story can take two months by itself, and that is from published and famous authors who average six to seven such edits by the time they publish their work. In hindsight, I should never have planned more than a first draft. I can at least say that I have benefitted in learning how long this kind of project takes, and I will continue to learn from that as I improve my craft. This knowledge is very important.
2. I am still learning to write endings to stories. I’m one of those writers that suffers from over-excitement when it comes to new ideas. I’ll get three or four chapters into one idea before coming up with another that makes me move on to something else; the first is forgotten. I love this story and I’ve been able to stick with it, but when it came time to sit down and write the big ending, I balked. This time, unlike most of my projects, I knew what the ending was going to be – but that didn’t stop my mind from convincing me that I couldn’t do it, and that I wasn’t ready, and a whole host of other nasty things that held me back. I am overcoming this, slowly.
3. The sudden trip I made to Arizona during the final week of the Write-A-Thon did me in. I might have been able to at least finish my first draft, but I traveled to see my family instead. It wasn’t as much a pleasure trip as it was a feeling of being called and needed at the time; my mom needed a friend and I needed to stretch the independent and social muscles that I don’t often use every day. I am not willing (or required) to sacrifice my personal growth or obligations to my family for my job yet, so I leaped at the chance.
I said I was going to try to find time to work on the project despite this, and I did try. What I didn’t do was make it a priority. I’ve said before that I am still learning to work while on vacation, and NaNoWriMo 2011 was proof that I can and will adjust to the idea. I did excuse myself early each night for the sole purpose of writing, but in the end, I spent that time talking on the phone with my husband and staring at what I’d already written, unable to focus enough to get anything new accomplished. I could have tried harder. I didn’t. This is why it meant so much to me to win NaNoWriMo 2011, because I proved to myself it doesn’t have to be that way.
I regret not finishing, but I do not regret the trip. Missing opportunities to help people, strengthen yourself and change things in the world for the better are the choices that haunt people, not missed work. If I were perfect, I could have handled it all with one hand tied behind my back – but I’m human, and something had to give. I was already heading for disaster on my own merits, as I already stated, so this was what I believe to be God’s last effort to convince me that I’d taken on far too much, too fast. I listened, and made the best choice I could.
I also promised myself that even though I hadn’t finished within the allotted Write-A-Thon time, that I would still finish it. All priority that I had on any of my other projects went to that. Without going into far more detail than I already have, I’ve been fighting my own battles with things that have taken place in my own life. These battles have kept me from being the writer I know I am, and more time has been lost as a result. I’m frustrated with myself for the number of times I have tripped and fallen over the same double handful of problems, but I’m hoping this will be the last. I could say more, but I want to focus on my writing here, not my emotional state. I have not been myself, and that is a discussion for another time.
Since my family left here after Christmas break, I threw myself into working on the end of the script. As of Wednesday, February 22, 2002, I have completed my first draft – for real, this time. It’s taken me far longer than I wanted it to, or at first believed it would, but I still earned the victory. Now I feel no more shame about this. However much I believed that I’d done the right thing, I knew there were people who would see it as a failure or a cop-out, and I knew that deep down, if I’d forced myself to focus, I could have succeeded in making at least my modified goal of a complete first draft. I can’t stop people from thinking terrible things if they are inclined, but I can at least rest easy knowing that when I say I’m done with a first draft now, it’s not a partial untruth.
Where do I go from here? I’m still going to pursue the path that I set out to accomplish during the Clarion Write-A-Thon. Though my attempt to do it in six weeks was foolish, it is still something I feel great about doing and intend to complete. That means I’m about to enter my first editing phase on my script. Right now, in raw, unedited form, it’s approximately 52,000 words (longer than NaNo; I scared myself when I saw it) and approximately 180 pages. Forgive me if I do not offer you the same deal I do for NaNo; I don’t get free book copies of anything for the Write-A-Thon, and I want to move into editing with all haste. I am planning to take a few days off to relax, recharge and let my mind get away from my writing before I start changing things, because that’s always wise for any writer, but after that, it’s back to work; no further delays.
Ink Raindrops, for those waiting, will have to continue to wait. I am sorry for that. I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out a new schedule and a new plan of attack to get things started again, and I DO have a plan, but getting this project finished is my top priority right now. Whatever time it takes, it will have to take. I already know I can produce compelling chapters, but I have never in my life finished a full, 100%, ready to publish product. I want to do this. When I am done, and I’m not in the middle of either Clarion or NaNo, I will look into restarting monthlies. Until then, I’ll just have to ask you to trust that I’m working on something that is worth it, and not just twiddling my writerly thumbs. I do not want to blab a whole bunch of details until it’s ready this time, no matter how eager I am to tell everybody everything about it!
And yes, for those that are not video gamers, I am still considering a book-form variant of the finished script, when all is said and done. It’ll be a neat merchandise option for fans of the game AND suit those of you who just aren’t able or willing to join me in that interest. Of course I hope people will give it a try, but I want my story to be available, no matter what you like to do with your free time.
So, in brief: I am done with what should have been done just shy of a year ago. I regret not being honest with how far I did come, and where I was dishonest for my own reasons, I am sorry and I have done my best to make amends for that by my actions as well as my words. Where I was dishonest for the benefit and protection of others, I can only ask understanding. I am glad that your money was for Clarion and not for me, or I would never have accepted any such thing. What happens this year, when the Write-A-Thon begins, will happen under the consideration of a writer that has learned a heck of a lot in the last 12 months. I know I will be wiser. If I can make this project everything it can and should be, then it will all have been worth it.